Magic Mike

I’m sure you have all heard some sort of buzz going around about Channing Tatum’s new movie, that’s loosely based on his former life, Magic Mike. My Facebook page has been blown up with screenshots from the film. The women? They be going crazy! All this talk about male strippers has got me thinking about the first and (so far) last time I went to see them.

I was about 23 years old at the time and a couple of girlfriends had some free entrance passes to the show and talked me and my co-worker/ HS buddy “Lisa” into going. The event was being held in an upstairs room above a local bar. When we walked in the first thing that I noticed was 30 (or so) women glaring at us, and the uncomfortable tension that seemed to fill the room. “Holy shit we are going to end up in a fight tonight,” I thought immediately. The room was small; in fact it looked like it was probably a storage room the night before. In the center of the room folding chairs were placed in uniformed rows, like we were there for a meeting. I couldn’t imagine anything-eventful coming from this place.

The music started and the first performer made his way out. Excitement grabbed hold of some of the girls clutching dollar bills, while the majority watched in silence. I on the other hand covered my face and peeked through my fingers at the horror taking place, while very audibly yelling out “Ewww!” and “Gross!” The girl next to me got a lap dance, where the guy basically stood on her chair and thrust(ed) his sweaty, barely, covered balls into her face. I couldn’t think of anything more humiliating or degrading happening until another woman, licked whipped cream off the sweaty and well oiled inside of a stripper’s leg. I immediately started drinking.

The next thing I know a stripper grabs me by the hands and started pulling me into the middle of the room. I pulled away, “uhh, no thanks,” I said. But, as it turns out my “friends” (delighted in my horror) had paid for a lap dance without me knowing and pushed me into following through with it. Defeated, I followed him and whispered into his ear “if you thrust your balls in my face I’m going to punch you in your cock” in response he grinned at me and said that he wouldn’t. But he did proceed to slither all over me while I craned my head away like a rape victim. Then he grabbed my hands and rubbed them all over his prickly butt. Apparently we were in between shave days. *shudder*

After my lap dance I gave up the casualness of mixed drinks and started slamming shots. The rest of the night blurred out, but here is what I remember:

Starting a chant about Firemen and there lack of a Fireman. What kind of strip-show shows up Firemanless?

“Lisa” dumping an entire (melted) jar of wax on the chest of a stripper that was lying on us and him rolling away while screaming in pain, as we laughed uncontrollably.

Rallying the entire room to give me their money (and they did) so that I could buy a stripper (in a bidding war against the very girls that were giving me the money in the first place) to bathe him in a kiddy pool set up in the middle of the room. (I won, but I shared and did not get involved with the bathing..I still had standards, or something).

As we were leaving the producer of the show, for lack of a better title, took my information and gave me free access to all of their shows for life and a promise to always have a Fireman on hand (apparently I didn’t let that go).

In the end it was a pretty fun night, but I still can’t stand the thought of watching strippers, so I pretty much have no interest in watching this movie. Although I did watch an interview on JKL the other night where one of the actors said it was a comedy, so maybe I’ll just Redbox it when it’s available.

ETA: By “Lisa” I mean my girlfriend Audra, I had originally thought that I was going to add in her sniffing some dudes armpit for freshness and I wanted to spare her on that, but I didn’t so it’s cool.