Socrates (because who better to engage you in the Socratic method?): TDW, let’s discuss your first week of prognosticating.
TDW: I’d rather not.
Socrates: How would you rate your first outing?
TDW: It ranked somewhere between sucking hind tit and getting an NYPD plunger enema.
Socrates: You lost your pick of the week, 4 out of 5 bonus picks, and your DOTW, right?
TDW: Correct. If Illinois hadn’t covered, I would have perfected suckdom.
Socrates: Let’s take a look at your pick of the week game. It appears—
TDW: No, no, no. There’s no need—
Socrates: Yes, yes, let’s. It’ll be fun. You were winning that game until the final seconds when the opposing team scored a last second touchdown. The extra point cost you the game, right?
TDW: Right. If games were 59 minutes long, I would have won.
Socrates: But they’re 60 minutes long I believe.
TDW: Yes. 60. That’s why I said if they were 59 minutes long.
Socrates: Heartbreaking. 4 out of 5 picks wrong. I bet you couldn’t pick your nose.
TDW: That’s an old joke and it wasn’t funny the first time it was used. That’s not a question either.
Socrates: You defy the odds. How do you account for that?
TDW: I only defy odds when it hurts me. Here’s me flipping a coin:
Ok, heads. No, tails. I call tails.
Crap. Heads. It’s similar to how the forces of nature will do whatever it takes to make me look like an asshole.
Socrates: What do you mean?
TDW: Here’s how I find my wallet at home: I don’t look for it. Instead, I immediately yell, “Who took my wallet? I leave it in this exact spot everyday. I NEVER lose my stuff, so somebody here had to have messed with it.” And for good measure I’ll blame one of the kids. As soon as I yell all that, my wallet will appear in an obvious place in such a manner that proves not only that I put my wallet there, but if I had looked just a little, I would have found it. I could leave my wallet under the car in the driveway, but if I go through this routine, it’ll materialize before everyone’s eyes just to make me look like an asshole. It works so well that I usually don’t even have to get to the blaming kids part. Now, it goes like this, “Hey! Who took my—Oh, here it is. Never mind.”
Socrates: Are those the forces of nature or are you really just a pig?
TDW: To-may-to. To-mah-to.
Socrates: Your dog of the week pick is really interesting. You picked Kentucky, which was a 13-point underdog, right?
TDW: Something like that. Have any hemlock on you?
Socrates: Not only did Kentucky not upset Louisville, it didn’t even cover the spread, right?
TDW: Quit with the questions. Just say it.
Socrates: Well, it must be really humiliating. Your DOTW pick was not even close. It’s like you were kidding. Were you kidding?
TDW: *long pause* You were corrupting those kids back in Athens, weren’t you? You’re one aggravating old man. *shoulder shrug* There’s always next week.
Socrates: Do you really think next week will be any better?