Quote of the Day:
- Jerry: Yeah, like Bizarro Superman—Superman’s exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down; down is up. He says “Hello” when he leaves, “Goodbye” when he arrives.
- Elaine: Shouldn’t he say “bad bye”? Isn’t that the opposite of goodbye?
- Jerry: No, it’s still goodbye.
- Elaine: Does he live underwater?
- Jerry: No.
- Elaine: Is he black?
- Jerry: Look, just forget the whole thing. All right?
From all TB has seen and read, it appears the issues in this year’s Presidential election boil down to this: How much does President Obama hate America vs How much does Mitt Romney hate Americans. We keep it simple here in the land of the free and the home of the nuance-what-the-hell-is-nuance-you-commie-fascist-sharia-gay-did-you-just-say-policy???!!!
While this devastating simplicity makes it easy for all of us to choose a side, it also makes it hard for us to actually defend the side we choose, there being no actual non-self-contradictory facts upon which to base an argument. That’s where TB comes in. Going all the way back to the ought-eight election, I have sponsored the Bizarro Debate. The format is unique. The candidates are subjected to a blast from the Mayan Improbability Ray and are therefore unable to speak but the truth for the duration of the debate. Don’t worry friends. At the conclusion of this truth-letting, we will all be dunked in Holy Sicilian You-Ain’t-Seen-Nuthin Water and forget the painful event ever took place. Your moderator for the evening is TB. As a nod to our loony political staff, we are including Gary Johnson in the debates, just for laughs.
TB: Gentlemen, welcome to the MTGU. President Obama, the first question goes to you. Where were you born?
PO: Ummm, I don’t remember.
TB: Trick question. That was just to make you all feel at ease. The real first question is, you have yet to raise income taxes after promising to end the Bush tax cuts for those making more than $250,000 back in 2008. What are you going to do about taxes if reelected?
PO: Well. You see. Ahh hells bells, those damn Mayans. Probably nothing. Whatever Cantor or Pelosi say in all likelihood. Look, I’m a great campaigner, a decent speech giver, I like to play with the drones on slow tv nights…..but I am the shittiest congressional negotiator in history. Whatever they say, that’s pretty much what I’ll do. I WILL declare victory though. Basically, the rich will keep getting richer, everybody else will survive. What more can you ask for?
MR: And that’s just why the President should not be reelected. When I am President, I will not listen to Cantor or Pelosi. I will decide about taxes as soon as the memo from Goldman Sachs hits my desk. Why should they have to send the memo to Congress first? That’s just wasteful. Not green a-tall. So, to sum up, rich-richer, everybody else-whatever the porter just said.
TB: Mr. Johnson?
GJ: What? Oh, you really want me to speak? Wow, that’s awesome. Say, this is a swell debate. So what was the question, something about taxes? Oh yeah. Taxes suck. Totally. Decriminalize weed!
TB: Mr. Romney, perhaps the greatest issue of our time is global warming, how it will change life on this planet and what can be done to slow it down and deal with its effects. First, do you even believe global warming is real and if so, how will you combat it?
MR: The science on global warming is inconclusive. And by inconclusive, I of course mean it is conclusive. However, I have been instructed by the recently baptized ghost of John D. Rockefeller to obfuscate, dissemble, and divert when it comes to global warming. In this manner, corporate America will figure something out if and when it becomes financially advantageous for them to do so. In the meantime, I can afford to lose a couple of island properties, after all, I’m insanely wealthy. Bottom line–I will do nothing about it.
PO: You see…..you see….that is what is wrong with Republicans and Mr. Romney as a candidate. Global warming is real. Let me be clear. Global warming is real. I like to say that because it makes a certain segment of the population feel better. The segment that votes for me, mainly. But of course, what is important is not what I say, but what I will do. And the answer to that is, nothing. And that is where I am different from the Man.
TB: Mr. Johnson?
TB: Would you like to answer?
GJ: Heck yes! Damn, this is fun. Look, everyone knows global warming is real. It is a serious threat and must be dealt with. Individuals can do very little. Corporations are only exacerbating matters. As a libertarian, I believe in empirical evidence and that evidence is conclusive. Unfortunately, my philosophy does not allow for any government intervention that might actually help, so, I guess I would do nothing too. The Patriot Act SUCKS! Free Weed!
TB: Mr. Johnson, I am going to come back to you–there is no need for the nonsense at the end of your answers. Ok, fellas, this blog is running long. Let’s go to the lightnin’ round. Health care?
PO: I passed the Romney Plan.
MR: Yep. It’s a good, corporate plan.
GJ: We’re all screwed.
TB: Military and foreign policy?
MR: Uniforms frighten me.
PO: Military-Industrial Complex.
GJ: Legalize it!
TB: Ok, let’s get this over with. In one sentence, what is the one thing that you will do if elected President?
PO: Probably nothing.
MR: Is it considered good if I incorporate the Supreme Court?
GJ: Dude. I’m just a protest candidate. I’d shit my pants if I got elected.